Perhaps exceeding the great Shake-n-Bake Turkey Quake of 1998, the 2018 Dark Meet-n-Greet turned deadly in Shingletown when a power outage killed television sets throughout the area. Families were left with no other choice than to talk to each other. Chaos ensued.
“We didn’t know what to do,” claimed Mabel Fraser who hasn’t had a conversation lasting longer than five minutes with any of her relatives in twenty years. “Do you know how many of my family are Democrats?! I had no idea ‘til I had to talk to them. I don’t know how we’re gonna look at each other in the eye come morning.”
Things were worse at the McCander estate. The thirty acre sprawling manor north of Lake McCumber (which they insist should be called Lake McCander, citing a handshake arrangement between Kendall Vanhook Bumpass and an illiterate squaw girl from whom they claim ancestry) erupted in gunfire once it became clear the internet would not return anytime soon. No one has been reported killed, though witnesses on the scene report numerous McCanders digging fresh graves in the moonlight.
Power resumed at roughly ten o’clock shining lights on new revelations about family and friends, and harsh truths that won’t soon be forgotten. We at Redding Jefferson can only be thankful for televisions, tablets, and a forthcoming Black Friday event to allow new rivalries to play out where they belong: in Walmart. Happy hunting, Redding!